Riley's Story Part 2

Sorry for the lack of posts, last week was a really stressful week as far as school goes. I only have 2 more weeks left in the Spring semester (thank goodness). Anyway to continue on with Riley's story. 

After everyone knew that I was pregnant, it was a relief, but I was still scared and worried. I have worked with children for years; I loved children, but didn't know if I wanted children of my own. I even thought about having my tubes tied, or some sort of permanent birth control, after I had Riley, but my doctor said that I was too young and would probably change my mind. I definitely changed my mind after having Riley; I definitely want at least one more little one. Anyhow. I was scared because I didn't know how I was going to raise this child; I knew that for the most part it would be me taking care of her and not the "donor". I decided, though I knew the outcome, to give "donor" a chance to prove that he could be a good dad and take care of his responsibilities. Well that didn't last long, he said he was going to pay for my prenatal visits, so we went to the first appointment, and to no surprise he couldn't pay. After that visit, I didn't hear from him, I did get some harassing phone calls and emails from him. I let him drift off to the side in order to have a care free pregnancy. 

There are a lot of things happened during my pregnancy (i.e. a very bad relationship), but I will leave that for another post. So July 16th was my due date, little Miss Riley didn't want to make her appearance, so my doctor scheduled me to be induced on the 18th at 8 in the morning. I could not wait to meet my princess, to hold her for the first time and to see what she looked like. Throughout my whole pregnancy I walked with my mom between 3 and 5 miles a night. The last week of pregnancy, that walk was tough, but I made it. July 17th, the walk was miserable, I know that I was have real contractions and I would have to stop, but my mom said keep on trekking your water hasn't broke yet. Of course I did all the jumping up and down stairs I could that night and mainly because I could not sleep from excitement. (Side note "donor" was not present during any of this; I will get back to that in a moment.) About 5 am rolls around and I am starting to notice my contractions are more consistent, but there is no reason to go in now, so I waited until it was time (me trying to be patient, nearly impossible). I got to the hospital and they confirmed I was in active labor (yay); the doctor came in broke my water and it went pretty quick from there. After she broke my water, my contractions were more intense, I was already 3 centimeters dilated and 75% effaced when I got to the hospital (thank goodness). They decided to give me Pitocin which my body did not like, I fell asleep and woke up to a nurse standing over top of me jabbing my belly with a needle. Apparently I was contracting too long with the Pitocin, which causes the oxygen supply to the baby to be cut off. So they stopped the Pitocin and just let me do my thing, the nurses and doctor said it would be after dinner time before Riley was here. They doctor did not check on me but once, she came at about 12:30, she checked and looked really shocked, she said you are fully dilated. WHATTTTTT!!! Labor is supposed to last forever right?!?!?! I was freaking out at that point, but it was time to push. I pushed once; they thought I would be pushing for hours as well. Well the nurse had to run down the hall to catch the doctor, so the doctor could catch my baby. Riley basically came out on her own. Two pushes and she was out. My doctor said next time I am pregnant at about 36 weeks I have to stay put, she is afraid the baby will fly out on its own. Okay enough of all the L&D stuff. 

So let’s skip ahead to September, which makes Riley 2 months old. I decided to go ahead and call Riley's "donor" and let him know she is here. I felt like he should know that she is here and healthy, and he should be in her life if he so desires. I called him at about 11 or 12 one night and he drove over that minute to come see her. He seemed really excited and like he wanted to be in her life. Over the next few months it was HELL. He was dating this girl who was trying to be involved in every way of the situation, even if it meant causing unnecessary drama. And if you know me I absolutely hate drama. We went to mediation and he gave me legal and physical custody, he just had visitation (at my discretion). In February he told me he wanted to sign his right over, because he was moving out of town and wouldn't see Riley again. He didn't want to have to be responsible to pay child support and all that jazz. We went to mediation, (the mediator was a joke and sided with him) he asked for every other weekend, I was in shock. How do you go from wanting to sign your rights away to wanting every other weekend? At this point Riley was 7 months old, she was breastfeeding still, and did not take a bottle. There was no way in HELL (I have to emphasize) I was letting my child stay with him for a weekend, for one I didn't trust him, and she how was he going to feed her? Last time I checked men still do not lactate. Needless to say, I walked straight out of that office without signing a paper. I got court papers in March, he wanted a paternity test. I just laughed and went to court for the test. In June we had the hearing in court, and the judge literally laughed in his face when she read the results. Her exact words were "No surprise here, you are the father". About 2 days after court he text messaged me asking if my lawyer still had papers drawn up for him to sign his rights away. I said yes, we meet the next day and he signed the papers. A week after Riley's birthday in July I got the papers from the judge with her signature. His rights have been forfeited, and Riley was mine. 

It was definitely a huge sigh of relief, I didn't have to worry about my child being taking from me to a home I didn't know what was going on at. I don't have to worry about going to court over stupid things and child support. Another part of me was sad and still is sad. Sad for my little Riley. I know that she has more people in her life that love her so much, that anyone could ask for, but nothing have a father is hard for me to imagine. I grew up knowing my dad; he took good care of us kids and still does. It is always weird for me to imagine that she doesn't know who her real father is, and the fact that she has aunts and uncles, cousins etc. that she won’t get to know until she is older (if she even decides to get to know them). So many times I have wanted to reach out to his family and even him, but I know that will stir up drama and open up a can of worms I am not willing to deal with right now. I feel like I will know when the time is right to deal with answering all the questions Riley has. I feel like I shouldn't do anything until she starts questioning and wants to know certain things. I kept a journal during the whole time of every interaction I had with him. And for now as far as Riley knows she has a daddy. She hears us call my dad, daddy so that’s what she calls him and if you ask her who her daddy is she will tell ya Scott Guthrow. 

So this is more or less the whole story of little miss Riley. Her first year of life was one of my roughest years ever. It has only made me a stronger person, I definitely don't understand why I have been through all that I have right now, but I am sure I will know one day. For now I will count my blessings and praise God that I have my child and do not have to worry if she is somewhere not being taken care of, being abused, or any other unimaginable thing. 

I hope you all take a moment and thank God for your children, family, any and everything you have. Even though things get tough, you get stressed out, frustrated, angry, and every other emotion that comes along with being a parent. At the end of the day, I would not change one single thing in my life. It has all lead me to where I am and right now I am in a pretty good place in life. 

Have a wonderful night everyone! 

Moles, moles, and more moles

You are probably thinking moles?!?! NO I am not talking about the moles that dig holes in the ground. I am talking about moles, as in a unit of measurement. We also use Avogadro's number to count the atoms in a "sample". The name comes from an Italian Scientist name Amedeo Avogadro. The number is also referred to as the "chemist's dozen". The number is used to represent a number that is so large. The number is 6.02 X 10^23.

I know boring stuff right, try doing the math to go along with it. Chemistry is not my strongest subject and trying to grasps the idea of something that I cannot see myself is so difficult. So if there a gaps, like last night, from here on for the next 3 weeks its because I am buckling down to study to pass my chemistry class.

On that note, I am studying now so that I can go take a test today. Ughhhhh...... Hope you guys enjoyed the very brief, mini chemistry lesson. Hey maybe you learned something that you never knew. :-)

Have a wonderful day.

Riley's Story Part 1

Where do I begin? I guess where I left off in my "life" post. Let's start with the Summer of 2007. That particular Summer I decided to take Summer classes at the community college. I took an English class, which was very amusing; a lot of debates about women being in the military were had in that class. Mostly because the teacher and most of the men in that class had served in the military. Anyhow, that is where I meet Riley's "donor" (as I refer to him). 

We started hanging out, and talking and for some reason I was stuck on him. I believed every little thing that came out of his mouth. I think the fact that he was about 5 years older than made me think that he was more responsible and mature (at the time). Boy was I fooled. As our relationship progressed, I saw that he had no motivation to succeed in life. He didn't have a job, barely had a car (no money to put gas in it), and he did not pay for a thing when we went anywhere. I thought that if I filled out job applications for him and wrote him a resume that he would be more motivated. He just didn't want to work or go to school. I was becoming less motivated myself, skipping school to go hang out with him. Doing things that just weren't me. 

At first, for some reason it didn't bug me that he didn't work, probably because I was "in love" (NOT) with him. Eventually it started to get to me, though. I had to drive everywhere; I was working all the time to pay for the gas that was getting us everywhere. By October, I was just not feeling the relationship, we went to a concert (which was $5) and he couldn't even pay for that, when he told me he was taking me to the concert. That week I just started to think, the lifestyle that I would live with him for one would not be the lifestyle I am already accustomed to and would not be the life I wanted. I would be the sole provider for the family and he would do nothing. That's when I decided it wasn't worth it to waste more time in a relationship going nowhere. 

About a week later, November 2007, my mom was shocked that I just broke up with him and asked why I had done it. She asked so many questions, but one still sticks with me. She said "Did you break up because you had a pregnancy scare?" And I said "No". Not but a minute later I looked at the calendar and realized I had missed my period. At this point I just knew I was pregnant. I went to the store that night got a pregnancy test (the digital ones) and within in 5 seconds it read PREGNANT. I couldn't believe it. I went to school to meet up with a friend where we went to the store to buy more pregnancy tests to make sure it was real. For a week, I didn't know what to do. I called "donor" and told him, he was more than thrilled that I was pregnant, because if he was going to be miserable so was I. I was so scared to tell my parents, I just kept thinking, they won’t notice for a while, so I can wait. Well a few days later after a post I made on MySpace about feeling nauseous sparked my mom’s interest. If you get nothing from this post but this one bit of advice, just keep this in mind, Mothers now everything (I mean it) and if your mother tells you something is not (especially about a person) listen to her, because something is probably not right. Anyway, my mom called me immediately and asked if I was pregnant. I thought OMG, how can she even know. All I could say was I think that I may be. 

The next hour of my life was the most awkward hour of my life. Sitting down with my parents and telling them that I was pregnant at 20 years old. It was intense and everyone was upset, but I survived and about an hour later my dad called me to tell me that he still loved me and everything was going to be okay. 

Life can change so drastically in a matter of moments. 

This is me about 25 weeks pregnant with my sweet Riley!                      

Hope this is not too long. This is the beginning of the Riley story; I guess that's what I will call it. 

Christ has died, Christ is Risen......

I haven't posted in the past 2 days so I wanted to let you guys know I am still blogging. The past two days have been extraordinarily exhausting. Today I just wanted a nap some kinda bad. lol.

I hope that you and your families have a wonderful Easter. The Easter bunny is about to hit this house. Let us also not forget the real meaning of Easter. Crucified under Pontius Polite,  Jesus sacrificed his life, so that we can have eternal life. He died, but was resurrected on the third day, in fulfillment of the scriptures.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16

Happy Easter!
Love,
Becky and Riley.

No Time To Stop.....

Well tonight I am not going to be able to blog about what I had wanted to talk about tonight. I have been running nonstop since this morning. I am in the middle of baking a cake for my sister Jennie's 17th birthday as I typed. I am making a 3 tiered, two layer funfetti cake. It smells delicious. Luckily for me I have the best future (hopefully sooner than later) sister in law ever. She has been over here helping me cut out fondant polka dots for this cake. She also went to the store with Riley and me, which always tends to be an adventure, especially when I am stressed out and haven't been at home all day. 

Spring Break for work started today, so I don't have work again until the week of the 16th. That is really great, but I still have to go to class. I really my school Spring break and work Spring break lined up. That means, that even though I will be up for several more hours, I still have class at 8:00 tomorrow morning, but I don't have work so I can come home a rest for maybe one whole minute before I have to get up and go go go. 

I know that I only have one child, but sometimes she seems like 3 or 4. I have no idea how people do it more than one child, and close in age at that. I definitely want more children and I always thought that I would want children back to back. When I had Riley, I felt sad for her that she is going to be much older than her siblings, but now I just think its better. She will be so much more help the older she is, and right now for one I am not dating, seeing anyone, anything (it takes two to tango). I also want to go about this the right way next time, I want to be married to the person I cannot live without and where that he is, I have no clue, but if you see him please send him my way lol. Anyhow, with going back to school, work, and Riley, I don't really have time for much more. I just feel like the time is not right for me to meet anyone and I think when the time is right I will. I hope. 

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. I hope each and every one of you has a wonderful Friday. 

High School Yester Years

As I was driving down the road this morning, on my way to school, I started to think about how I have ended up where I am at now in my life journey. A lot of thoughts were spinning around in my head. I was a pretty good student in high school, I didn't do extraordinarily well and I did not extraordinarily fail. lol. I managed to make mostly A's and B's, had about a 3.8 GPA. Not too shabby right? This June it will be 6 years since I graduated, to many that may seem like just yesterday, but to me it seems like ages ago. I think mostly because of the turn of events in my life. 

High school was a fun time for me. I enjoyed going to school and I enjoyed the social aspects of school. I did JROTC in high school, which is probably the only reason I succeeded as well as I did. We had the best field trips in JROTC as well. Sgt Maj Hartsel was a big influence in my life, and still is. I still go in to update him on my life and to let him know when I have accomplished set goals. He is always advising me in life, finances, and everything else. 

Let’s start with the first major setback in my life. I really wanted to go to Longwood University after graduation, so I applied and went for a tour to try to get early acceptance. Well, the woman was impressed with my application and really wanted to accept me, but I hadn't taken Algebra 2. Ughhhh. My guidance counselor had informed me the year before that Algebra 2 was not a required course, and that most colleges were not looking for that. Well needless to say, I pretty much gave up and started exploring more options. 

I read and researched about Liberty University, went to a weekend session there and thought it would be a good fit for me. I felt like it was my only option. Oh and did I mention that at the time I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. Wow how time and life changes so much in such a short time. I remember being dropped off at college, at first I couldn't wait for my parents to leave, and as soon as they left I wanted them to come back. I got very homesick, and did not enjoy my first semester away from home as much as I hoped that I would. I decided that after that semester, I would return home and take classes at the community college. So second set back, my not so great experience going away to college. 

Once I got home and situated, I had to decide what I was going to do, so I decided to sign up for classes at the community college. At this point in my life, almost a year after graduation, I was unsure of what I wanted to be when I "grow up". I just felt like I was going through the motions of life, taking classes, but not really progressing. That summer, I decided to take Summer classes, and at that point I starting thinking about becoming a nurse. That Summer was also when I meet Riley's "donor" as I tend to call him. (We will get to that story later, I have to build up the suspense right?!?!?!) At this point I feel like it was a monumental turning point in my life, and at the time it was not a good turning point. All of my actions that Summer and Fall, dictated how my life has ended right here today. While I feel like I am in a much better place now and would NEVER change anything that has happened in my life, it is just not the way I "thought" my life would be at this point in my life. 

Stay tuned for more of my life story.....basically. 

A Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.....

Sounds like a book..... Oh wait it is lol. Although I do wish I had just slept with gum in my mouth, and got it in my hair. Or even got my sweater wet, or even tripped on a skateboard. I wish my worries were that of Alexander. But unfortunately, I am all grown up, and my bad days come from big stuff. 

 I try and try to not let things bug me, but some things/people just get under my skin. Its amazing how one little thing can make a person (namely me) so angry. All day I have felt like I needed to scream at the top of my lungs, hit an inanimate object, something to help relieve some stress. I am the kind of person who sits and thinks and analyzes things, probably wayyyyy too much. That right there just adds to the stress and things build up. It has made me realize that the only way to deal with all of this is to go straight to the source of the problem. 

Hopefully things will get better, but right now I feel like I am in desperate need of a time out from life. I feel like my wheels are always spinning at 100 plus mph. I feel like most days I am too busy stressing over this or that, not taking time to cherish and just live in the moment. I really need to figure out how to let go of things instead of harboring them and letting them smolder in my mind. There are things I still can't get over, around, or through, because I don't deal with them.

I guess I don’t have a lot to say or “blog” about, probably because I am just so mad at my day and how it ended. BREATH BECKY……….BREATH BECKY. Just have to remember to breath, deal with it, and let it go.  

My Mom is my inspiration..... Who is yours?

So this past weekend was the Monument Avenue 10k. As many of you gathered from my Facebook posts I was down there cheering on my mom and uncle as they came through the finish line. This was a huge accomplishment for my mom and uncle. My mom willed herself to get out of bed early in the mornings on Saturdays to train with a team; she also walked every afternoon about 5.6 miles with my uncle. The both of them have done lots training in the rain, and despite being sick. For my mom the accomplishment was choosing to do this race, to continually train for it, and to follow through with it. My uncle, if anyone knows him, does not like to be around a lot of people. The Monument Avenue 10k brings about 50,000 plus runners/joggers/walkers alone. This number does not even to begin to account for the amount of by standers cheering them on along the way and in spite of his anxiety of large crowds he had the courage to do this race. 

When I first heard that my mom was walking in the race, I thought well that is cool. I didn't think a lot about it being a huge accomplishment at the time. I thought to myself, well I could walk it, which was a cold kind of way of thinking. The more and more I have been thinking about it, I have come to the conclusion, that I could not have done it. I would have complained the whole time, I would have to make frequent stops for water, etc. I couldn't make it because I don't have the determination that my mother had to finish this race. And 6.2 miles is a lot, I probably could not walk more than 2 or 3 miles without having to stop because I would have spasm in every muscle in my body.

Now I have never been to the Monument Avenue race before and Riley normally has dance on Saturday mornings, so I told my mom we would be unable to make it to the race, I wanted her to be surprised when she saw us. There was no way on earth, even if I had to pay $100 to park, that I would have missed this race. It took me about an hour and a half to get downtown to Monroe Park. I was so anxious, getting stuck in all the traffic, but as I was driving down Broad Street crossing over the Boulevard I could see runners and could hear cheering and I just started crying. I was so excited and so proud of my mom, and proud that she was walking in this race, proud to be the daughter of such a strong and determined woman. I finally found a parking spot about 10 blocks (maybe more, who knows) away from Monroe Park, packed Riley in the stroller and made my way up the road, practically running to Monroe Park. Once I got there we found a perfect spot right at the finish line, and we just watched all the runners cross over. They were so proud of themselves, I didn't even know them and I was cheering for them, because I was proud of them too. 

I waited about 2 hours, watching the runners cross the finish line, waving at the few runners I knew. My anticipation was building, I was so afraid I was going to miss my mom crossing the finish line. Finally I saw her and my uncle. I was shouting and cheering like a fool. I was tearing up knowing that she had finished this race. I just couldn't control myself, I wish they had the video camera on me so I could have seen my own reaction. We all enjoyed a wonderful afternoon, ate lunch at Carytown Burgers.... Yummmm. 

Our topic of conversation at lunch was which race we are ALL going to do next. It has really inspired me to get out there and walk. I have realized I don't need to run to feel accomplished or satisfied. Walking is just as strenuous as running. Next year my mom and uncle plan to jog/walk the Monument Avenue 10k, and hopefully I will be right there with them. 

Thanks for inspiring me Mom. I love you even if I don't always show it. 

This is me with the blue sign looking hard to make sure I don't miss my mom cross the finish line! 

My First Blog EVERRRR!!!

So about a month ago I decided that I would start a blog. I thought it would be easy, but it has been harder than I thought. Between trying to find a good free blog site, picking a layout (it’s so tough), and trying to figure out how to navigate on the site, it took a minute, well maybe more than a minute. In any case, I am here a part of the blogging society. 

Blogging is something that I really wanted to start doing. I feel that it will be good "therapy" for me. I have a lot of thoughts spinning around in my head that I need to get out. My life in the last 4 years has changed tremendously and is continually changing. I would just like to share my life, my experiences, my milestones, etc. in hopes that it may help someone in some way, shape or form. 

I am very ADD, so my posts may vary, and not go in any certain order. One of my goals in this blog is to talk about my life the past for years, my experiences in general and my experiences as a single mom. Most likely I will post about the first thing that pops in my head, but I will go from past to present frequently. 

I hope you fellow bloggers or readers enjoy listening to me ranting and raving about my life.